Dear J,
Thank you for sharing what you're experiencing with such vulnerability and I'm deeply sorry to hear that you're going through this. It's clear that you're feeling helpless and emotionally exhausted, in also what seems to be an extremely confusing situation as you both seem to be stuck in what I call a relationship loop.
This loop you both are stuck in could be due to unresolved issues that's been internalized over months or even years. The perpetuation of these patterns are most likely due to the fact that you both aren't feeling heard and understood by each other which is causing resentment.
So here's what the pattern looks like:-
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Conversation
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Argument
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Internalize (or shoving it under the rug)
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Resentment
The thing is, this happens to be a common theme I see in a majority of my couples so I need you to know that you are not alone in this! How we each approach and deal with conflict is learnt by observing how our parents or primary caregivers resolve them (or avoid and internalize). Great thing is, these behaviour can be unlearn with time, patience and by cultivating mindfulness within ourselves.
I understand this may be a difficult time for the both of you, but perhaps you might want to consider having an open, honest and transparent conversation about what you each are holding unto and resentful for -- and if what you each desire still aligns for the future. I know this may sound and feel extremely scary especially when something we truly value feels threaten, in this case your relationship. However, in challenging and confusing moments like this, we are given the opportunity to grow collectively by having difficult conversations.
Here are some practical tips to try in your next conversation with each other:-
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Focus on resolving ONE issue at a time.
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Express your feelings without criticizing, blaming or shaming each other.
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Practice active + reflective listening to avoid interruptions and misunderstandings.
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Take breaks if the conversation gets emotionally charge but be sure to revisit it again.
If these steps are implemented well, you'll both walk away from the conversation feeling heard, seen and understood. And if you've done all that and things don't seem to improve, perhaps then it would be wise to ask yourself -- "How much of myself am I willing to allow to fall apart and lose in the process of keeping the relationship together?".
It is admirable that you are devoted and resilient in wanting to make your relationship work, but it should never be at the expense of losing yourself.
I hope you find a new sense of direction and more clarity in these J -- wishing you all the best life has to offer!
Sincerely,
Diliya
p.s. Should you feel like exploring those tips more, you can find exercises and more strategies in my Assertive Communication Workbook. Trust me -- this is a game changer!
