Dear Cold Feet,
Thank you for your message and I suppose congratulations are in order, or not? I'm sorry to hear you're freaking out and having cold feet. You must be confuse and worried but it's also completely normal to have pre-wedding jitters and doubts, especially when you're about to make a sacred vow to spend the rest of your life with this person.
I can't tell you if your fiancé is right or wrong for you, because this is subjective and dependent on the standards you've set for yourself.
To explain this further -- an unhealed person may think the worst relationship they've ever been is right for them as oppose to someone who's been on their healing journey, who's going to feel that the relationship is wrong and that they deserve more. This doesn't necessarily mean that the person and relationship can't evolve because they absolutely can, which I see with the couples I work with. Sadly love alone isn't enough to sustain a healthy marriage.
However, one thing for sure I can truly say is that, you CAN find someone that aligns with you -- and by that I mean someone who shares common values, future vision and also someone who is emotionally supportive for each and your collectively goals.
Let's get real... There's going to be issues in all relationships and what truly makes a difference is how you both intentionally work as a TEAM to resolve, compromise or even come to terms with some of them -- because I'll be honest with you, some of your issues are going to be perpetual due to the fact that you both are two...
Different individuals.
Different family backgrounds.
Different childhood experiences.
Different identities and personalities.
Different sets of expectations and standards.
So there WILL be differences, some of which are solvable and some unfortunately aren't.
I'd also like to highlight that it isn't so much about the differences between you both as it eventually comes down to what you are willing to compromise on or accept, and what I also refer to as non-negotiables (aka dealbreakers). However, to have issues around money and family definitely calls for some boundary settings along with open, transparent communication of what each your expectations are.
It's great too if you each have your own future goals and vision, but if you're unable to agree on the future of the relationship, it would be best to rethink before moving forward. Because shared vision means that you're both on the same page, headed in the same direction and that there's something you both can look forward to and work towards!
I highly recommend that you both consider getting some premarital counselling to iron some of these issues before they actually become a problem.
You can't possibly know a mistake is made until it's already been made (lessons are learnt only from making mistakes btw) -- but before you take that plunge, please take this time to work through those 3 major topics (money, family and future) so that you can make an informed decision soon.
Hope this helps and I wish you both the best!
Sincerely,
Diliya
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