Dear Nat,
Thank you for your message. That sounds extremely frustrating and lonely. The last thing anyone ever wants is to be made confuse about the direction in which their relationship is heading -- that is if it's moving at all!
From what you've shared, it does seem like he's displaying avoidant behaviours such as shutting down and pulling away when you choose to embrace vulnerability or attempt to discuss future plans. This is also known as "stonewalling" which happens when one is emotionally dysregulated and experience overwhelm. It's also exhibited by men more than women, based on consistent research.
It's kind that you care about him and want to address this dysfunctional pattern -- that is part of being in a healthy relationship isn't it. However, and I'm sorry to say this, he doesn't seem to match the same amount of interest in moving forward. Do you think perhaps...
He's unaware of his behaviours that are destructive to your relationship?
Or he is, but simply unequipped with conflict resolution and problem solving skills?
There's so many layers to this that I can go into but I'd rather not overwhelm you. So let's focus on what YOU can do in this moment and self-reflect on how you are showing up in this relationship instead.
You can try asking yourself these questions...
- Am I being critical with my choice of words?
- Am I creating and holding safe emotional space for him?
- Am I coming on too strong or is my delivery and approach harsh?
- Am I giving him the time and space to process his thoughts and feelings?
- Am I bringing up important topics of conversation calmly and at appropriate times?
I know... It's not going to seem fair that you're having to go within and put in the work Nat. Although we often overlook how we show up energetically can have an effect on our partners and taking accountability for that can help turn the dynamics around. In times of conflict, we are always presented with an opportunity to connect and this can be done by staying curious and clarify by asking questions in order to understand the situation and our partner better.
But I also need to bring to your awareness that if a person is not connected with themselves and lack emotional awareness, they're highly unlikely to understand their emotional experiences, let alone try to understand yours. Because an avoidant needs a lot space and time to themselves, with rooted fear that they may lose their individuality and freedom when things get serious which translates to commitment issues. Allowing him to come to you and express himself when he is ready is important in creating emotional security for him, but not at the expense of your emotional and mental well-being as they are EQUALLY important to his.
Now if your answer is "yes" to all those questions above, I think it would be wise for you to evaluate if this is the type of dynamic you'd like to stay in taking into consideration that there may no improvement or willingness to heal on his side -- because I can tell you that should you continue on longer, you're only going to lose yourself the in process of trying to save or change him. And if your answer is "no", just shout -- I'm happy to get into a dialogue about this. 🫶🏽
Love isn't enough to stay in a relationship that is one-sided, and there will moments in life where you will be called to look at the reality instead of holding unto potential.
I hope this has been helpful and I wish you get all the love, kindness and compassion you truly deserve Nat!
Sincerely,
Diliya
