Hey C,
Thank you for your message and I hope you’ve found what I share to be relatable and helpful!
I hear your frustration and you’re absolutely right that every relationship goes through rough patches and phases -- such is the ebb and flow of life. It isn’t necessarily a terrible thing as each phase presents you with an opportunity to learn something about yourself, and your partner.
We are all bound to experience this and often times come out of it stronger and more resilient with new found wisdom. There will be occasions, where the phases feels more daunting and challenging, almost never ending -- and with the frequent arguments, there's a likelihood of getting stuck in this funk which could become a toxic cycle.
It doesn't mean that you can't get unstuck. It does require you both to try harder than what it was before. Communicating is great, provided you both go into the conversation with the intent to understand the other's emotions and experience first before expressing your own. Remember, we need to first understand others before we are understood. This is how we make our partner feel seen, heard and understood -- and I can almost guarantee you that if someone is emotionally mature, that there will be reciprocation in that manner.
🤔 So, have you ever played an online game that requires you to level up?
Imagine this...
That you are in this game of life, in which for every phase you're in is a "level" that you need to overcome.
With each "level", the difficulty becomes increasingly harder.
Well, at least that's how it will be if we don't use new found wisdom (aka tools) from the previous level.
Because the truth is, with each "level", you actually do become better!
Sometimes, you struggle to overcome that phase, remain stuck and can't "level up" due to the lack of tools. 🎮
And being stuck in a painful cycle will require us to bring attention to one of the most important part of growth and self-development -- change.
A way forward out of this funk is for you both to ask yourselves these questions and be brutally honest with the answers.
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Am I kind, empathetic and compassionate towards my partner?
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Treat your partner with utmost respect, kindness and compassion.
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Am I lacking the emotional capacity, or capability in the current moment?
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Hold the space and fill your cup first before pouring into your partner's.
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Am I grounded and calm when I express my feelings and needs to my partner?
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Regulate your nervous system and take breaks whenever needed during conversations.
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Am I stuck in this phase because of perpetuating issues that been unresolved?
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Create a list of things that you may be internalizing, suppressing and possibly be resentful off.
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Am I creating a safe emotional space for my partner to express without interrupting and judging?
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Practice active + reflective listening so your partner feels emotionally safe.
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Am I equipped with the tools to navigate through these issues at hand, or do I need support and guidance?
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Speak to someone in your support system or seek professional help.
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This will help you both identify areas that requires improvement for you both to "level up" -- and most of the tools above have been hyperlinked if you need them! Reconnecting will be bound to happen if you both are able to work on those areas that are lacking above. Additionally, regular fun date nights without relationship talks are crucial to have moving forward. Keep things light, fun and breezy whenever you can!
Remember C, for the most part of the change that we want, begins with us first. I hope you both level up!
Sincerely,
Diliya R.
